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How to sport fangs

****Sometimes you just want some special teeth to sink into stuff, and what could be better than a great big pair of fangs? Especially good if your species is not noted for such dental accessories, they can convey your aspirations as a serious person not content to stop with little piercings and tattoos like a dilettante or a wannabee. If you want to flash them with the best without running afoul of the body modification fashion police, consider a few tips before you make the commitment.

*Evil plotpoints

  1. Options. There are two grand schools of thought when it comes to fangs. You may choose hollow or solid, and, for the former, whether you want to have venom sacs or blood-sucking channels. Regardless of which way you go, they all manifest some variety of length and pointiness.
  2. Sizing. The traditional rule of thumb is to measure your mouth at its widest opening and multiply by 0.7 to get the maximum fang length. For top and bottom (external link) fangs divide by two. For saber teeth, multiply by two. For tusks, multiply by another five. The girth of the fang naturally increases in proportion to the length.
  3. Materials. Popular choices include gold (external link), porcelain, titanium. There are some problems with transparent glass which has largely been supplanted with clear unbreakable polycarbonate.
  4. Installation. Fixed fangs (whether hollow or solid), generally pose few challenges, but if you want a fancy retraction mechanism you do need to get set up with a qualified installation professional and a course of sessions with a physical therapist. Of course, if you are able to take advantage of the supernatural route, things become simultaneously much easier and much more difficult here.


! Strokes of genius

  • Lips. Those who have lips may need to make extra provisions for their fangs, depending on whether they desire the exposed fang effect or the hidden fang one.
  • Keep them sharp. There is nothing quite so embarrassing as striking your target, deadly fangs gleaming in the light, and then failing to puncture a bit of tough hide or a leather strap or something. It reduces your credibility and interrupts the smooth flow of conflict, and can so easily be avoided if you will take the time to file and polish your fangs before you need them. Do not worry overmuch about grinding them down excessively: good pair of fangs could last a lifetime, depending on what you consider a lifetime.
  • Massed effect. You can make a bigger impression by having more than two (or four) fangs installed. Taken to its extreme, it is possible to arrange to have an entire mouth of razor-sharp stabbing teeth, though the associated accommodations will naturally cost extra and certain dietary modifications will be needed as well.

!! Traps for mere fools

  • Misuse. Do not use your fangs in ways they were not intended for: scratching letters into trees, prying caps off of bottles, opening DVD cases, and so forth. Their size comes at the price of being more prone to breakage than regular teeth. Such hard usage is also likely to void any warranties that came with your fangs.
  • Breakage. Dental insurance typically does not include non-original fangs, or imposes such high deductables that you will wish you had an unbroken one you could use on your claims agent.
  • Air travel. Do not let the screeners get a good look if you want to board that flight. Keep the mouth shut till they shut the cabin door, at least.
  • Ice cream headaches. A problem especially for those sporting fangs with high thermal conductivity. Consume frozen treats in a judicious fashion.
  • Air traffic screenings.

98/365:Going through some funny changes...

+ Precious and needful

  • Oral surgeon.
  • Tooth whitening kit. A twice-yearly appointment to have them polished will help keep them gleaming too.
  • Fluoride rinse.
  • Motorized sharpener. The most convenient way to keep your edge.
  • Caps. These protect the sharp tips and can add a note of style. Rubber or plastic are the most economical.
  • LED implants.

Further plotting

Created by: Veeper. Last Modification: Friday 21 of January, 2011 10:50:45 EST by GrinningSkull.

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