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How to peddle evil products

****You don't always have to rain lead into people's bodies, you don't need to burn down their cities, you don't even have to tell them that you're out to kill them. Just ask them to hand over some of their money in exchange for something they think they want. It is almost too easy and respectable to make it seem like you are really working at being a villain this way, but the wise practitioner of this technique knows that what counts is the result. Can there be any better way to work your black magic on generations who haven't even been born yet?

*Evil plotpoints

  1. Look respectable. Make products which don't do what the customer expects. For instance, you could sell computers which every so often explode when the user touches them, or a body wash containing botulinum. It is not too hard to find a manufacturer willing to produce shoddy or outright booby-trapped products for you.
  2. The hook. The product you make should be compelling enough that the victim cannot pass it up. Perhaps it validates the high opinion they have of themselves, as a lover, a parent, or a patriotic citizen. Perhaps it has a fluctuating reward structure, so that as it destroys the consumer it gives them the illusion that it may yet still reward them. Perhaps it simply enslaves them, mind and body.
  3. Get it to the consumer. People have virtually no skepticism for what you tell them in your ads, if the production values are high. Double the unit price and promise the user a two-for-one offer, instantly doubling thereby the harmful dose. Also, be creative in the product blurbs and the ingredients list! "All-natural plant oil" could be castor oil with extra ricin. Sell "spring-fresh water" in fancy tinted bottles, each one containing a live leech or two. "Not tested on animals" — heck, not tested at all!

! Strokes of genius

  • Sectors. Sell to businesses if your proposition has a killer price point along with killer side effects. Sell to ordinary folks if the cost is unjustifiable, but your vicious product speaks directly to the reptile brain in terms no one can ignore. And if the thing you are making is both outrageously priced and lacking in redeeming qualities, sell to the government.
  • Food. It is almost trivial finding ways to make consumables that cause people to get sickened, are gravely poisoned, or die. Mix in lots of artificial flavor and aroma to mask the true qualities of your product; a few milligrams goes a long way.
  • Have a lineage. Products which go back for decades or preferably centuries automatically tend to reassure a suspicious customer. Just don't point out the dangerous, immoral, or foolish things that people back in those days would do that a modern informed person would never dream of doing.
  • Originality. An alarm clock that wakes you to the sound of breaking glass, metal crashing to the ground. A T shirt with a life-size color picture of thoracic surgery. An inexpensive firearm which is easily concealed but which explodes in the shooter's hands one time out of thirty. These are the unexpected delights which the evil entrepreneur gifted with originality can bring into being which no one else can.

!! Traps for mere fools

  • Misdirection. Sometimes however the trickiest part is marketing your product in a way that keeps it off the radar for regulators and police. Try selling it on streetcorners, through word of mouth, through offshore websites. You can also set up shell corporations which make it difficult for the authorities to pursue (see also How to bilk financial markets? for more on this technique). Make it sound like an established existing brand. Sunray sewing machines. Junetag washers. General Electrified microwaves. Get high-school students to make a glossy logo which you will put on the glossy packaging. Also, do not forget the palms which need to be greased — a little bit will go a long way. Also, do not be too forthcoming with the labeling: with food, you can safely advertise your concoction as 98% veal without really delving into the question of the other 2%.
  • Sloppy books. You may be tempted to let the financial aspect of your business slide, since all you really care about is hurting your customers and not making money. This is invariably a mistake, not for the sake of the cash in itself, but because of the things the money lets you do. You can increase your marketing, you can order hits on your clean competition, you can buy off politicians inclined to look into your dealing, there is almost nothing off limits to you if you can generate a positive money flow, even if (or especially if) you don't intend to hang onto the income.

+ Precious and needful

Viral Marketing
  • Heavy metals.
  • Sharp edges.
  • A hazardous track record.
  • Dangerous manufacturing conditions.
  • Unshielded power mains.
  • Colors a child would love.

Further plotting

Created by: GrinningSkull. Last Modification: Wednesday 30 of September, 2009 17:58:53 EDT by Veeper.

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