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How to get rid of a corpse

twin peaks
****It is something you wanted to see very badly once, but now that you have it, it is an encumbrance. Perhaps it was a quarry you had been hunting down for months, perhaps an unfortunate hostage past the point of utility, perhaps simply a minion who saw what had better not be seen. In any case, it is something which you would rather have disappear more or less permanently. This is a situation that virtually every beastly madman will need to face at one point or another, more often once one's aspirations become more fully realized. As you progress in your career, matters tend to become even more sticky at times, when a multiplicity of the inconvenient things turn up and need to be processed in the midst of a host of other pressing matters. There are a few fairly straightforward ways to square off the rough edges without ruffling the fabric of your evil plans, so to speak.

*Evil plotpoints

  1. Caustics. You can try both acid (external link) or alkali (external link), just not at the same time. If you have access to the formula for the Universal Solvent the need to wait for the chemical reaction to progress to completion is obviated. Do try not to spill any, or you might have doubled your work.
  2. Burnt toast. Fire is a good way to finish things up, but it has to be a surprisingly hot fire to hide all traces of your typical cadaver and leave only mute ashes. Stoke the coals high with copious air flow and roast for at least three hours at 600º F or until the bones are tender.
  3. A one-way trip. If you have a rocket (and who doesn't?), your burden could be shot into space to burn up in the Sun or to drift among the comets, where in the latter case technically the remains could be retrieved, but which virtually nobody has the free time and incentive to do so.
  4. Plant them. Sometimes when all is said and done, the best thing to do is to go back to the old traditional standby and to plant that stiff under a bit of turf. If you have access to a nice chasm? or, in frigid climes, crevasse, you may not even have to go to the trouble to cover the victim afterwards. In suburban America virtually everyone is within a short drive from a local sporting field which may be pressed into service by the dark of night. The main thing to remember is that experts recommend that you always lift with your legs, not your back, or, even better, with your henchmen’s legs instead.

Festa da pizza  - 03

! Strokes of genius

  • The water is wide. Scientists like to caution us that the oceans are a finite resource, but in fact they are still so vast that you could fit all seven billion inhabitants with cement overshoes, drop them in, and notice scarcely any ill effect, at least for a long time to come. Their collected skeletons will in fact provide prime habitat for bone-eating worms (external link), a thought that will comfort the conservationists among them.
  • Ravenous beasts. If you have access to slavering horrors that consume not only flesh but also bones, and if they are in the mood, these might be the best and greenest way to eliminated unwanted remnants. Everyone is happy in the end, nearly, especially if you can ensure a steady flow of fresh material to your pack of dingoes or the equivalent. If you are pressed for space, remember that your carnivorous helpers need not themselves be gigantic; a trunk full of carrion beetles (external link) will just as efficiently reduce a carcass to bones as a high-profile predator.
  • Globetrotting. With certain modest to low value targets, if you have the time to plan ahead, you might benefit from having the individual's demise take place in some far-off place which benefits from minimal law enforcement and heroic vigilante activity. If you can arrange for a small avalanche or a deep ocean mishap in the right place, the body in question is as good as destroyed owing to the fog of distance.
  • Reuse. The environmentally-minded malefactor has recently turned to the practice of giving unneeded bodies a second lease on life by repurposing them in their other evil schemes. Corpses have traditionally been among the most prized of unpleasant discoveries whenever one has hapless innocents snooping around one’s affairs, since they often so unnerve the unwary as to dissuade them from acting on any further curious impulses. If you have an artistic bent they can be incorporated into the decor of your lair to striking effect, particularly if you have access to a petrifaction field, and they are nearly always the most sought-after ingredient of certain delicacies.
  • An embarrassment of riches. If you are sitting on a literal mountain of bodies that you need to deal with on your own, you might consider making the remains a more or less permanent part of the landscape. Nature will before long magically convert what now go by the term “corpses” into “skeletons” and, if you simply wait long enough, “fossils,” which have an attraction all their own.

!! Traps for mere fools

  • Not quite six feet. A thin covering of soil over a shallow grave does not cut it in most cases, revealing the dirty deed all to easily at an inopportune time. Put some back into your gravedigging activities, or put a backhoe into it preferably.
  • Cadaver dogs. They can sniff out your secret cache, providing genetic samples to crime investigators, and ruin many a lovely scheme in the process. The very worst sort are the ones which associate with meddling kids.
  • Shady body merchants. Though some are reputable, many will simply take what little bit they desire and leave the greater bulk of incriminating evidence essentially untouched and thus available to industrious investigators. This is one area where you may well be advised not to outsource the details to a specialist.
  • Graverobbers.

Damon Gravedigger

+ Precious and needful

  • Tissue digestor (external link)
  • Comfortable gloves.
  • Saw. You know the kind you need.
  • Anti-bloodhound hex.
  • Dermestid beetles.
  • Steamroller.
  • Flesh-eating bacteria.

Further plotting

Created by: GrinningSkull. Last Modification: Sunday 19 of June, 2011 11:34:19 EDT by GrinningSkull.

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