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How to entertain zombies

Run ! zombies are on their way...
****One might think that mindless zombies would make the ideal party guests — slow to take offense at a careless word, uninterested in snooping around one's possessions, largely free of dietary restrictions. Rare is the event which will be spoiled by a little patch of bad weather or by a cutting remark, and the host is always certain precisely how much appreciation for their efforts he or she is going to receive in the end. Yet as with any opportunity fraught with danger and violence there are a few pitfalls to be avoided by the prudent host.

*Evil plotpoints

  1. The zombie in question. Much depends on the effective physical and mental capacity of the zombies you are endeavoring to entertain. An easy way to keep this straight is to think in terms of the effective mental age of the individual. Just as infants are easily accommodated at parties, often to the pleasurable diversion of the other guests, a zombie just barely able to take care of his or her basic motor functions requires just attention to the extent of hygiene and the like. One that is at the level of a toddler can be redirected away from inconvenient or destructive activities given enough persistence, while one at a juvenile delinquent level poses a more formidable challenge indeed. This last class of monster actually could be said to strain the definition of zombie and if it cannot reduced, should be handled under the rubric of How to entertain a psychopath.
  2. The setting. Do as much pre-planning of your tableau as possible, so that you will be available to mingle at the barricades. If your guests are the sort who have been animated by black magic, take care not to cause them discomfort by encounters with holy talismans you may have around your lair. Prepare separate tables for flesh, bones, and organs, decorating them with edged weapon cutlery and aspics in the shape of bludgeons. Try to provide cover so other guests can feel at their ease. Outdoor festivities among dark woods or jagged rocks can be used to great advantage to develop memorable occasions. Although zombies generally provide their own sound effects you may wish to help things flow from the beginning by providing blood-curdling shrieks and soul-rending groans, either live or recorded.
  3. Give them space. Unlike the shindigs you are used to where guests are practically on top of one another even before the night is through, zombies take up two or three times as much room owing to their obsessive wandering behavior as they seek their targets. Allow for this in your party planning and eliminate the choke-points at the food table, the bar, points of egress, and first aid stations. If a few extras wander in beyond what you were expecting, see whether you can set up an overflow area for them and their victims, perhaps out by the smokers.
  4. Cleanup. Everyone’s least favorite part of entertaining is made irrelevant in the case where your function coincides with a zombie apocalypse (external link) which sweeps away all of civilization in a stroke. Simply make your exit from Ground Zero of the new world order and move on to your next caper knowing your actions have made a difference. If you have a smaller scale zombie epidemic in mind, the most efficient way to clear the decks afterwards involves a squadron of mechanized artificial shock troops powerful enough to plow through everything in their way.

Armless Zombies?

! Strokes of genius

  • Music. Something with a good beat that is easy to shamble to is your best bet. Anything too soft or too slow is likely to be drowned out in the mayhem.
  • Small talk. Zombies are often very knowledgeable about current film and television offerings featuring their favorite subjects, as evidenced by their agitation when these subjects are brought up. Books (external link), too. You and your guests can keep the conversation flowing to your great advantage, though it is usually considered a good idea to avoid the topics of politics and religion if possible.
  • Video games. A zombie's relentless nature can make these the hit of a party. Avoid those requiring the mastery of rapid hand-eye coordination, especially if your zombies are lacking in hands or eyes.
  • Sports. The chief way zombies have to express their inner urges is through movement, making simple party games a natural fit for the enjoyment of all attending your function. A simple obstacle course may easily be put together in your backyard and provide hours of diversion. During the winter months in the higher latitudes the biathlon is one traditional event which might be enjoyed.

!! Traps for mere fools

  • Fancy drinks. Alcohol is wasted on those already glassy-eyed and slows the reactions of those who are not. Keep a bottle or two of vodka around for use as a disinfectant, but save the money you would spend on top-shelf liquor and put it toward reinforcing the walls and foundation.
  • Strippers.
  • Over-planning. The essence of a successful event is spontaneity which comes out of the natural interactions of those present. Having a party where everything is scripted will tire your guests, and at some point the games and activities will likely reach a permanently dead end, which might well be awkward.
  • The dawn. It is all very well to have a good time, but after four or five frenzied hours it is natural that you and your other guests will start to show signs of fatigue. Make it clear to all when your guests should retire in a more or less orderly fashion.
  • Slippery finger foods. Also vegan items are a common mistake.


+ Precious and needful

  • Torches.
  • Flimsy clothing. And high heels for the ladies.
  • Meathooks.
  • Chuck Norris.
  • Machete.
  • Shotguns. Don’t forget shells.

Further plotting

Created by: CapellaNovafyre. Last Modification: Sunday 26 of June, 2011 10:42:32 EDT by GrinningSkull.

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