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Gaming the little grey ones and the big red ones. Conflict |
Evilcraft |

How to deal with invading aliens

****It can happen to anyone: you are out conquering the continent when one of your henchmen tells you that a towering intellect not of this world has made contact with them and craves an audience. Perhaps you have some idea of the intentions of the new kids in town, perhaps not. It may be just best to assume that they are roughly the same as you and want to dominate all life in their path.

Sometimes you just have to work with those who have way too many legs and way too few hairs on their head for one's own liking, just to further your own evil machinations. Most of the time, however, you will find that the superior alien race you find yourself making overtures toward is only a slight variation on the schmucks you have been scamming for years now, superadvanced technology notwithstanding, and that if you sharpen up your game you can find a way to best them at the same time you are furthering your own evil career.

*Evil plotpoints

  1. Know your ally. Somewhat different strategies apply depending on whether you are dealing with scaled monkeys, giant lizards, flying squid, a team of zombie English butlers, mutant fried eggs, boneless tofu beasts, energy beings trailing long extension cords, pantsuited androidettes from the planet Estrogenne, the color shocking gray. To name but a few. This is not the place to enumerate all of the details of these strategies. You must spend some time developing your expertise in every aspect of your new neighbors, inside and out, to the point where you can develop an intuition as to their every action.
  2. Divide and conquer. Are they able to shoot powerful energy beams for kilometers from their landers, but are prone to rhinovirus infections? How about you offer a few dozen battalions of your troops to learn to pilot the landers, and let them do the shooting part? Or if they are unstoppable on land, but melt into a sticky mess when they encounter water? Don't you think they might be interested in your fleet of armored hovercraft, and eager to show their appreciation? In return they can maybe do some of your heavy lifting when it comes to plying the metallic hydrogen seas of XQ-333 or whatever.
  3. Ease them on down the road. When they wear out their welcome, gently remind them of the triple suns they left so far behind. They leave gratefully and you move in to occupy their forsaken territory! Nobody wants to keep an occupying force beyond its time, so if you can get them to avoid making it into a colony you may have it made.

! Strokes of genius

  • Act dumb. You already know how valuable it is to make humans misjudge your capabilities, to throw off their calculations. With aliens, you have the added opportunity of misleading them as to the talents of an entire species, perhaps shading the truth here and there, or fabricating entire bodies of knowledge when the opportunity presents itself. You will never know how you will be able to exploit your subterfuge later on, if you can get them to accept you as a plain and simple honest broker.
  • You're so vain. Learn how to flatter your new allies and you'll be set. Response to positive attention is something like the third law of motion, as the one who bestows the sweetness is the one who is likely to receive the sweetness in return.
  • Who's your daddy? Okay, they're big and they're bad, but don't automatically assume that they're the biggest and baddest boys out there. Are they in thrall to a Galactic bureaucracy? A cadre of brains in jelly jars? Implacable devil-mistresses? Be on the lookout for a sudden need to postpone a decision, as if there might be a puppetmaster out in the wings which might well sweep everything away once the rough stuff is over, one which you might have to entice or threaten in a separate set of negotiations.

!! Traps for mere fools

  • Careful where you wave that thing. If you don't know for sure whether that item is a neutron blaster or not, best to stand clear. This applies also for items you are asked to breath from, plug into, or step into. Always have the new kid try it out first, the one that does not strike an onlooker as being particularly keen of wit.
  • The "no probes" clause. In their eagerness to get to know their new little buddy better, the xenomorphs may desire to get too personal with you and your henchmen too quickly. Make it clear from the outset what kind of things are allowed in your relationship and which are off-limits for the time being.

+ Precious and needful

  • Translation device.
  • Rides. As in means of transport.
  • Unflappable drill sergeants.
  • Undetectable nose filters.

Further plotting

Created by: GrinningSkull. Last Modification: Tuesday 27 of October, 2009 17:14:35 EDT by CapellaNovafyre.

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