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I would say it's not you, it's me, but that is so cliché. Conflict |
Minions |
Dirty deeds |
Evilcraft |

How to break up with someone

****Sometimes you do not wish to go in with all your guns blazing and tigers roaring, so to speak, but would rather take care of a situation with as little muss and fuss as possible. For instance, right in the middle of a delicate action one ally may have proved untrustworthy and you do not want to spook the others. Or perhaps your informant has just outlasted his usefulness, but you don't want other sources of yours going to ground. Or perhaps you have achieved all your aims and more and wish to consolidate and proclaim your regime in a national news conference in a way that minimizes the potential for disorder erupting. It can prove to be extraordinarily difficult to ratchet your natural impulses back, especially if you already have your blood pounding and are just now coming back from a huge tumult.

*Evil plotpoints

  1. Coat it in sugar. Sometimes it works out better to cover your intentions in something that the unfortunate victim is pleased to have, say an unexpected throne (external link) or a high-profile but risky promotion (external link). This works especially well if you are on a tight budget, as the mark will generally traipse right out to his or her destruction with very little inducement or bribery from you required. If you pitch it the right way, at the moment of the horrible revelation, they can wallow in a conviction that they alone are responsible for this sorry state of things, virtually absolving you of any designs upon them. Such a potentially huge payoff in exchange for a small investment at the beginning of the scheme is what evil theorists refer to as leverage.
  2. It's all been decided. Hustle your target off with the explanation that the deed has already been done and that any chance of appeal is long over, and you can spare everyone the angst and drama that negotiations tend to draw out. There is no bailout to be had.
  3. No wiggle room. In nearly all cases, you will simply want to lay forth the facts and then move on to the next agenda item, the termination itself, without an appreciable pause. You stride forward briskly, as if conducting a Blitzkrieg, leaving your decisiveness as the enduring impression of what transpired among all those present. Often the most merciful end is the swift one, as a bolt from the blue, perhaps when the mark is savoring something truly satisfying and they are of the opinion that nothing could possibly go wrong, then whammo it's all over. These also make popular little shorts to post up on your favorite video sharing site.


! Strokes of genius

  • A secluded setting. This delicate maneuver is not the kind of thing you can easily do in the midst of a huge throng with all the distractions that can bring. Sometimes, however, the proper time occurs during a time of frenzied action (such as in the middle of a battle), and if you wait for things to quiet down, the moment passes. Usually you can see your way clear to find a private space somewhere, even a small tent or a doorway, chosen in a way to improve your feng shui and to degrade your target's.
  • Whom to invite. In the same way, there may be some constraints as to what bystanders need to be around when the blow is struck. Obviously if you are not dealing the coup personally, you will need to involve someone else as muscle. More importantly, however, is the educational message that this swift sharp action can convey to your allies, your underlings, and your opposite numbers, so you may find it advantageous to have these as eyewitnesses. There is always the medium of digital recording to preserve the unfolding of the deed if you need it as a future object lesson as well.
  • Don’t start. For the sake of appearances, it is always better to entice your ex-ally to start hostilities, so you can come in with full force and finish them, not for reasons of morality so much as an impression of just desserts among your minions and other forces. Of course, if the final showdown is one without any witnesses, this final touch becomes moot.

!! Traps for mere fools

  • Last words. Pleading and bargaining are tedious things to have to endure at the moment of truth, and these can also mask some nasty surprise escape or turning of the tables, in the worst case. Once you have made up your mind who is doomed and who isn't, there is never any need for any of the slaughterees to spout out dramatic monologues.
  • Deadman's switch. There have been cases of a victim who managed to turn the tables on his or her opponent by rigging things up so that at the moment of crisis, they could trigger some unpleasant repercussions, sometimes set into motion by the loss of consciousness that would otherwise signify their defeat. Usually someone who has invested much effort into devising such a scheme is already unlikely to let their guard down enough to be a good candidate for the gentle treatment anyway, so if you have an inkling that this might be the case, you might be best advised to terminate the relationship from a safe distance.
  • Overkill. It is too easy to get caught up in the moment and continue dealing damage to your person of interest long after he or she has stopped caring, having departed this plane of existence. This kind of testosterone poisoning is almost always better off being left for that person’s friends and relations who may now come and extend the vendetta with you.
  • Second-guessing yourself.

Objects of Awesomeness

+ Precious and needful

  • An easy chair.
  • A convincing grimace.
  • Gags.
  • Your choice of implement.
  • Expensive stationery.
  • Ranged weaponry.

Further plotting

Created by: GrinningSkull. Last Modification: Thursday 09 of June, 2011 05:57:06 EDT by GrinningSkull.

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