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Blog: Perfectly, deliciously evil
Description: The blog for the evilhow.com wiki, dedicated toward the advancement of evilcraft by supervillains and malignant geniuses of all sorts.
Created by GrinningSkull on Fri 12 of Sept., 2008 22:00 EDT
Last post Mon 22 of Oct., 2012 21:50 EDT
(206 Posts | 158122 Visits | Activity=2.00)
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Once again all others fail to help you in your great need

SharpThe Internet is vast and seemingly all-reaching, but it is surprisingly hard to find out the most basic information you need sometimes, regardless of what search engine you use or what reference sources you subscribe to. Take for instance the topic of basic portcullis repair and maintenance, which you would think would be exhaustively covered on one of the many home handyman sites around, given the large number of supervillains interested in the subject, the relative straightforwardness of the information required (nothing terribly secret is involved, in the vast majority of cases), and the appeal to the public at large whose fascination with the abodes of their malevolent neighbors is well known. You would think that one of the home project-oriented television programs showing the ins and outs of repair to do-it-yourselfers would have had at least a short segment on lubricating a squeaky portcullis winch, or seasonal maintenance of iron spikes in a damp climate. It may come as a surprise to you that nothing of the sort is there to be had. Thus we here at evilHow have resolved to step into the breach, so to speak, and make our contribution freely available not only to our fearsome allies, nor only to those of a villainous stripe, but to castle- and fortress-dwellers everywhere purely out of our own appreciation of how these massive and impressive portals we pass through virtually every day lend a pointy touch of elegant gentility that should not be lost.

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Armed, dangerous, and dumb as hell

Over the years I have often remarked that leading a vast army is a delicate thing. No other activity combines the physical rigors of maneuvers in the field, the intellectual challenges of outsmarting one's opponent, and the intuitive demands of keeping a large group of unruly armed warriors from killing one another. This is perhaps most clearly shown when it comes to the gentle art of how to lead barbarians to their doom, since in this circumstance not only must a commander maintain the trappings of military order but do so when the deck is fatally stacked against them.

A friend of mine once got hired for an entry-level position with a nomadic horde. Almost immediately she sensed low morale among the shock troops and the grooms. It was not fostered by the captain, who was cruel but fair, but by the stress of the actual work load. Being a people-oriented person, she set about to make it her aim to boost the morale of the barbarians she worked alongside, initially just talking to the lackeys on breaks, asking questions and getting to know them as individuals. Next, she asked people to have mare's milk and blood lunches with her, something none of the other Amazons had done because they were too busy. They made time. Instead of eating lunch on their respective mounts, once a week they got together and went out to pillage some food, away from the looting environment and the stress, and she gradually began to notice a boost in morale. If someone had a problem, whether they were on the move or busy sacking, it would be she who would speak with them to work out the issues, with the tacit approval of their commander.

They arranged outings around the ides of each month with any among the cohort that could spare the time from their busy schedule, sometimes to share skins of fermented grain squeezings and sometimes to raise bloody sacrifices to what gods they had in common, just little things but important when it came to keeping good morale. Desertions and suicides started to decline and duels between the ranks showed signs of leveling off. It was all going very well up until they were decimated by a bad stretch of weird necromancy and the band was demobilized. My acquaintance was able to parlay her success in smoothing over stresses in the barbarian tribe into a second career as a combination business consultant and motivational speaker.

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Freud rears his ugly head once more

wet,The new article up is on How to attract giant worms. This because the popularity of films based on worms various (external link) sizes (external link) points to an enduring antipathy toward the creatures among one's potential victims, along with the ways that giant worms can provide a very desirable missing element to a villain's operations. Attracting giant worms to your evil lair is not only fun, but potentially rewarding as well, as they lay waste to the surrounding countryside so all you have to do is send in your pillaging squads. This could well be one reason giant worm baiting has gained in popularity over the ages.

It is a myth that giant worms themselves attract attention from Elder Gods from space. They are for the most part simply another lifeform which nature has equipped with certain talents and traits to fill a particular niche in the monstrous ecosystem, not necessarily a demonic blight straight out of the tales of infernal damnation. If one can accept them for what they are without preconceptions, the resourceful insane genius can no doubt find a way to turn them into a formidable advantage.

Veeper

Underline your coolness with munitions

LicorneImagine a massively destructive explosion bringing down an impressively large structure, with billows of smoke, open flames, and not a little amount of debris being cast about by concussive force, and in the foreground a figure that moves heedless of any threat of serious bodily harm or death. It is your figure, walking away from that explosion. What could be more impressive than that? If it is live and in front of your admiring henchmen and dispirited enemies it provides an indelible gloss to your image. If it is recorded skilfully, with modern cinematographic mind-control techniques applied, it can be an irresistible recruiting tool and morale enhancer for a long time to come. But to get something worth your while a little more is involved than dropping a lit M80 into a bucket and tottering toward a cameraphone.

Unlike many of the mainstays of evilcraft such as How to lie to someone's face, How to oppress the meek, and even How to destroy the planet, turning your back on an explosive situation and calmly strolling away without a sense that there is anything amiss is not something that comes naturally to most evildoers. Unless you are deaf and dangerously psychotic (a very big unless, I am aware), there is a very natural impulse to anticipate the detonation by turning your head so as to listen for unusual noises or hesitating when you hear the pop of the exploding cap. Earplugs might help with this, or an intoxicant that you like, but the best solution is the old standby to diligent fiends: practice, practice, practice.

(Posted for the U.S. Fourth of July weekend holiday)

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It's clean living and good genes, that's what I tell everyone

cerebralThere used to be a time when all that was required was to have a more vicious attitude toward life and a predisposition toward escalating violence and a halfwitted minor thug could go far in the pursuit of the pinnacle of baseness. Nowadays it doesn't matter how clever you are or how much education you've had — if you wish to be a world-class supervillain you still need to expand your brain to antiheroic proportions. Boosting your mental faculties does by no means translate simply to obsessing over thick books or practicing your foreign languages, in fact there are plenty of dangerous and shocking things you can do to grow a mighty brain of your own.

Ultimately only you can decide whether to go the machine intelligence route or to try to induce your thinking gland to change and grow through more organic means. Much of it has to do with your personal comfort factors as well as your area of expertise and interest. If we maintain an open mind, we can all aspire to these kinds of enhancements. As I like to put it, "Think no evil, do no evil, hear no evil, and you will never rule a major continent."

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