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How to upload your consciousness

Faith Evans - Something BiONIC About Faith (album cover by Jonathan Gardner)

Eventually the most ambitious of malevolent beings decide that the bodies they were born in hold them back from their true potential as perfect evil. Many feel that, on paper, the advantages of transitioning to a sleek new high-tech form greatly outweigh the disadvantages. Still, to seek to abandon the mortal realm for a hosted existence or a distributed consciousness is one of the most momentous decisions a supervillain can make and it is fitting to spend just as much time learning the pros and cons of the lifestyle as one would with any other drastic life change. It is nearly always a mistake to rush in without sufficient advance planning. Here are some pointers on just how to go about this in a systematic and thorough fashion.

Evil plotpoints

Enlist the help of experts. Seldom can one take on an uplift project solo. Numerous disparate areas of expertise need to work in close harmony to arrive at a satisfying upload. This is why most individuals hoping to re-manifest themselves in silicon (or whatever) will seek outside assistance from those who have expertise in the business, quite a few of whom have themselves been uploaded and can tell you what to expect.
Selecting a hosting company. The outfit running your uploaded consciousness must be of the utmost in reliability, data security, and customer satisfaction. Request references from them and find out what kind of satisfaction previous users of their service have found. Ask them what measures they take to ensure a high quality experience not only at the beginning of your uplift but over the long term. Do they vault their periodic backups in a place which is guaranteed to be inaccessible to your foes? What effect would a large-scale nuclear exchange have upon their bandwidth promises? These and other questions should be answered in a forthright and convincing manner before you commit anything in writing.
Sizing. The amount of storage and the computational horsepower you can access will determine the quality of your uploaded experience. As with so many things, more is better, but only available at a rapidly ascending cost scale. Inquire as to the possibility of upgrading as technology advances in order to avoid getting stuck in an underpowered form unnecessarily.
Copying. There are different approaches toward transferring your consciousness to the new vessel, varying in speed, accuracy, and personal discomfort to you. In most of these processes, your original form is rendered non-functional, so it is advisable to discuss the details of timing with your medical and computational professionals.
Promotion. Once you are no longer residing among biological entities, you probably want people to know your new address. Some prefer to have formal announcements sent, while other more informal consciousnesses are content to send out email to give their friends and foes the word.
Perpetual care. As the eons pass, your evil mind will not be static. Be sure that a team of loyal professionals will be tasked with routine maintenance of your power systems, security patches, network configuration, defensive perimeter and so forth. Nobody is a big fan of scheduled drills and downtime but these are vital in assuring the tip-top functioning of all your subsystems even through a crisis.

Strokes of genius

Peripherals. Few would be satisfied to upload their brain function to a matrix, however powerful, without sufficient input-output capability. When arranging for your new senses try not to fall into the trap of thinking in terms of your former senses so as not to miss out on exciting new possibilities your new form can open up. Also, even if you start out with only a basic set of actuators under your control, make it easy to increase functionality in the future by swapping or adding new elements as desired.
Upgrades. Any decent operating system you will use for hosting your mind will be written to accommodate future expansion such as internationalization, social network interfaces, and mobile wireless operation.
Navigating the interwebs. Much of your news consumption will be via feeds from the public network, which can be a strange and unfamiliar place when approached through your new senses. Even though you are now operating within a machine yourself this does not mean that other devices will all take well to being accessed by you. Allocate enough time to gather up the tokens you will need to pass among the community of the wired and before long you will find that a certain measure of acceptance will be granted.
The pesky pleasure center. The loss of one's customary sources of pleasure represents the number one deal-breaker when it comes to uploading, particularly when the evildoer realizes that this includes all forms of sex as we know it. Never to feel a summer breeze upon your face. Losing the sense of wind in your hair. Never growing old or feeling weak or sick. Able to work on evil schemes 24 by 7 by 365. Surviving a take over by the machines.
Dealing with jealous mortals. Exterminate!

Traps for mere fools

Skimpy bandwidth.
Being too early an adopter. Resist the urge to jump on the bandwagon simply to be the first among your peers to occupy a trendy new compute engine. Stay informed about the successes and failures of any new leap in technology and make certain you will be happy with your lot long after you have done any irrevocable deeds.
Dial up connections.
Premature obsolescence.
Antique technology. Most will be best advised to steer away from vacuum tube or relay setups.

Precious and needful

Skull jack. Gold-plated if you can afford it.
Power of attorney.
Surveillance cameras.
Paradox screen.
Uninterruptible power supply.

Related evilHows

Further plotting

Image credit Faith Evans - Something BiONIC About Faith (album cover by Jonathan Gardner) by JonathanLGardner
Image credit Want to grab a byte? by Roger Smith
Image credit Project 365 - A Photo A Day by LC Photography - Lester Chung
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Created by: MACERATOR. Last Modification: Monday 15 of October, 2012 23:17:13 EDT by MACERATOR.

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