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How to run an institution of higher learning

****When it comes to massively venal institutions designed to crush the spark of life in the most efficient manner, it is hard to beat the modern establishment of advanced education. Thus many evil villains are attracted to the excellent scam of running such an institution, as chairman of the board, the very top of the hierarchy naturally, as college presidents, provosts, deans, and others are far too busy and menial to run things, despite the impression of noble independence that they like to give. Plus, this is the most convenient and amusing way to acquire letters to put after one's name. But like all ramified enterprises with spreading tentacles of horror, it rewards mainly those with patience and drive to go along with their dire vision.

*Evil plotpoints

  1. Campus. Cooking up a suitable academic setting is not that different from the tips in How to set up a lair, except perhaps for the scale: cold and hulking Gothic architecture, uncomfortable desks, wretched accommodations, and the like. Make the architectural style of the administration building especially off-putting as if it were designed to withstand armed siege (one never does know, after all).
  2. Recruiting. In a few ways the search for faculty is subtly different from other kinds of evil recruiting with which you may be familiar. For one thing, the conceit level is much higher. You may be surprised to find how fruitful it will be to look among your evil associates, rivals, and enemies for people who would be attracted by the chance to work for low wages in academe in exchange for the possibility of tenure. Anywhere else this would be closer to a search for willing slaves than the usual kind of employment arrangement, but this is yet another example of how the mantle of academe changes many once-familiar behaviors into something strange and twisted.
  3. Tuition. This backbone of the school economy is traditionally money-based, although you should feel free to experiment with other forms of exacting tribute, not excluding any possibilities up to and including human sacrifice, a thing which is particularly appropriate if yours is a religiously-affiliated institution. Do not be surprised to discover that tuition will not cover all your expenses and that you will also have to exact additional fundraising, if you can call it that, from evil states, evil corporations, and evil parents, just as you would normally.
  4. Soft assets. This is the term of art referring to the students or victims. Admissions takes equal amount of your attention as the tangible hard assets. Instruct your admissions officers on the best ways to find promising malcontents and truants interested in pursuing an exciting life of bad behavior, while also ensuring a lively amount of diversity. Diversity takes the students' attention off the mind-numbing sameness of each class and directs it towards the less threatening areas of racial strife and gender rivalry.
  5. Athletics. Hearty competition enables an esprit de corps among your charges in a way which is nearly unequalled for the way it bonds them into a unit, to the point of ridiculousness. If it is not sports teams that you fancy to carry your fame into the wide world, you could accomplish something similar with your chess club, genetic manipulation society, or artillery drill squad, etc. It is advisable to stick to the well-established path and hire exclusively coaches and athletic director versed in cheating, of which there is an abundance.
  6. Boards. Instead of accreditation, an evil college, university, or technical institute is after denigration by the academic experts with the cachet it will impress on your public. These will visit and make sure that your institution is up to no good — whether it be through mistreating your students, teaching them falsehoods, or killing them off.

! Strokes of genius


  • Dishonor code. If a student is caught cheating, they must immediately be brought before a board to investigate how it is that they could allow themselves to be caught. You may with to name a ward after them.
  • Technology. Invest your funds with a well-tuned eye toward future technologies. We are not talking only about a simple website or a biodiesel lawn mower, but big-picture items like brain transplants or cryogenic reanimation. Ask your evil supervillain compatriots whether they would like to endow the program, giving you the last laugh.
  • Making the rounds. It may be that you have a first-rate department of Shamanic Studies, but if nobody outside your walls has been subjected to its aura, how will that accrue to your awful glory? Send those faculty out to work the conferences and appear on the news feeds to justify the cost of the victims you have to provide for them.

!! Traps for mere fools

  • Cheap chalk. The kind you want is specifically for chalkboards, not for playground pavement.
  • Uncredentialled witch doctors.
  • Mystery protoplasm. It seems fine to feature in food service, but if it gets loose it can be tough to eradicate.
  • Extortionate sports coaches.

+ Precious and needful

a haunted place....
  • Mascot. Something like a Balrog would be special.
  • School traditions.
  • School colors.
  • Cramped desks.
  • Computers of questionable quality.
  • Band uniforms.


Further plotting



Created by: GrinningSkull. Last Modification: Thursday 23 of December, 2010 06:31:11 EST by GrinningSkull.

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