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How to run a restaurant

****The idea of running a restaurant has its appeal to those evil masterminds who are casting about for ideas of what to do when they reach the point of retirement and wish to step down their evil activities slightly. Others, on their way up, view restaurant management as an attractive way to get started with evil, with its traditional ties to organized crime and food poisoning. The two kinds of organization have parallels too numerous to enumerate exhaustively, not least of which involving the profound effect you are able to have on your clientele. The restaurateur is the dictator of all that happens in his or her establishment, the one indispensable setter into motion of everything in that self-contained world, the one who sets the terms by which all the other roleplayers may carry out their functions.

*Evil plotpoints

  1. Location, location, location. Evaluate your restaurant location as carefully as you would a prospective site for a lair, assessing the neighborhood, the field of fire (the likely customer base), and the defensive posture (strength of the competition). Identify the local power structures, whether operating within the law or outside it, who must be placated in order to succeed.
  2. Let your victims come to you. The passive nature of the restaurant business is one of the things which activist villains have a hard time growing used to when starting out, for they are used to planning a caper they can run at a moment of their own choosing, rather than having to wait on a customer's whim to bring them in the door. Keep in mind the image of the carnivorous blossom, which lures its prey in with a lovely color and scent, and ever so slowly exerts its narcotic effect and its numbing tentacles while it is irredeemably distracted, and you will do fine.
  3. Alcohol, tobacco, and fire. The traditional mainstays of vice are the stock in trade of your typical restaurant, joined by knives, hallucinogens, and ice cream for good measure. (Okay, not so often are firearms involved, except for the automatic you keep under the cash register.) You already know something of how you can apply each of these tools to snare the repeat business you rely upon, though in this new setting you may need to scale down the overt malevolence to maintain appearances.
  4. Tips. The diner is by tradition obliged to bribe the dining establishment in order to avoid shabby treatment. Unlike the usual setup in a protection racket, however, the payment is traditionally made at the end of a transaction, which can sometimes lead to inconvenient protracted negotiations if there is a breakdown.

! Strokes of genius


  • Hire specialists. Just as you would not send a knife-fighter out to operate the laser batteries, you should not hire someone born to deal with unruly diners to julienne vegetables, or vice versa. Though it is tempting to take on someone who is a blank slate, unsure of their strengths and weaknesses, it is risky indeed to expect to have them learn while occupying any position of importance in your restaurant. To achieve the best, start with the best. You can temper the cost of hiring from the top by using your judge of character to find out the individual's personal weaknesses and exploit these as you would in any other setting. So by this principle, set the sexy vampire out working tables, the relentless zombie scrubbing pots, and the hypercephalic space alien working the register — and not any other combination.
  • The twin portals. The front door (domain of the headwaiter) and the back door (domain of the chef) are the electrodes between which you must maintain a continuous spark. One must be fearless in wielding the power of the two domains as one split-second misstep in either the kitchen or the dining room can dash your entire enterprise to splinters. The wise manager will know how to direct some of the energy of the two against one another in order to keep both in line. Also remember to maintain your grip on the position at the top of the hierarchy, making it clear to every single minion working in both realms that you are the one who can become their worst nightmare if they let you down.

!! Traps for mere fools

  • Critics. Working for the press and for the new media, these insidious threats can establish your reputation or destroy it in a single undercover visit. Deal with them as you would with ninjas, extending your intelligence operations to penetrate their disguises, and when you find them exert your power to either subvert or to neutralize them.
  • Health inspectors. Whether you aim to nourish your customers or to sicken them ultimately, you will almost certainly find that you will need to call on your infiltration skills to stay the arm of the authorities which can close your operation down without a moment's hesitation. Especially if you have not completely cut your association with the vermin (literal vermin) you started your vile career out with, which are just the sort of thing that these individuals cannot find much to appreciate somehow.

+ Precious and needful

Double Double Toil and Trouble...
  • Gas ovens.
  • Walk-in freezer.
  • Industrial strength meat grinder.
  • Assorted cleavers. And a sturdy butcher block. And towels to wipe up afterwards.
  • Tables and chairs. The kind which wipe clean with ease.


Further plotting




Created by: Veeper. Last Modification: Sunday 08 of November, 2009 12:35:18 EST by GrinningSkull.

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