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How to recruit and retain henchmen

An Increasing Trend
****It is a little appreciated fact of life that the successful evil supervillain must be a shrewd judge of character. If you aspire to pull off grand capers, you will be heavily dependent on your underlings. Start off from the initial contact with a promising young thug with a few steps to help develop his or her malevolent potential in service to your evil vision.

*Evil plotpoints

  1. Choose a compatible personality. Do you want to be in the middle of stressing a high-value prisoner when your chief flunky comes up with a poop joke? One you've heard before? Or do you want to be exulting over the smoking ruin of your enemies' stronghold, baying at the moon, while your right-hand man simply stands there looking annoyed? Take a moment at the beginning to jot down the qualities you are looking for and use it a a checklist when evaluating your prospects.
  2. Assessing qualifications. Ask your candidate for recommendations from previous bosses, if such are available. You may also be interested in school transcripts, standardized test scores, or results of your own custom entrance examination.
  3. Online. Craigslist and the national job search portals are ways to find minions you might be hard pressed to find anywhere else.
  4. Initial interview. Whether you conduct this by phone, in person, or through thought projection, this is key. On your side, you need to determine whether the candidate has the necessary talents, whether they show signs of weaknesses. On theirs, they need to be sold on the benefits of joining your organization, especially when the job market is competitive, including opportunities for advancement, childcare concerns. Do not bring out the employee manual, but answer their questions in as forthright a fashion as possible. If the candidate does not pass muster at this stage, it is customary to let them know as soon as possible, perhaps by feeding them to your carnivorous garden.
  5. Headhunters. Not as fanciful or as romantic as the name sounds. They simply serve as matchmakers between executives with peculiar skills searching for jobs and those with peculiar staffing needs. For instance, if you are looking for someone with troll wrangling or disarming warheads. Typically they will offer their services for a cut of the starting year salary of a successful hire, including pillaging and slaves.

158/365 - we have ways of making you talk

! Strokes of genius

  • Gangbangers. If you go this route, you should draw your henchmen only from one gang so as to avoid dissension. For instance Visigoths are not Ostrogoths
  • Socialization. When they arrive on the job, put them to work in their assigned role as soon as possible so they can have the feeling of integrating into the team. It is a rare evil madman who does not appreciate a platter of thickly buttered toast served to him in bed by shackled, scantily-clad wenches, but it is worth first asking oneself "Is this really the best use of my investment in hiring?" On further consideration, you may instead want to assign the new hire to the human waves sent to secure the Ineluctable Ebon Sphere.
  • Offer chances for advancement. A bit of investigation will reveal what will motivate a minion to better him- or herself in your organization. Perhaps they have what it takes to learn to shoot straight. Perhaps they have a gift for deviousness and can help in planning new plots. At very worst, you might be able to use a hapless drone to answer tech support lines. Present your vision for each employee as temptingly as you can and reinforce the individual’s behavior along those lines.

!! Traps for mere fools

  • Confidentiality. Some employers struggle with being upfront with job candidates preferring to hold some of their sensitive information back. Usually, however, your average candidate wants to know some very basic things such as whether the position is a new line or whether it was the result of a sudden vacancy. If it is the latter, one might be reluctant to say too much about the predecessor's fate, opting instead to turn to dark glances and muttered imprecations to suggest the circumstances without anything definite being said.
  • Infiltration. Now and then, you will run across a job candidate who fits your organization's needs to a T, perhaps even to an uncanny degree. Or maybe you'll find a diamond in the rough with such a tantalizing depth of character that you are tempted to make that person an offer on the spot despite yourself. Be on your guard: these could be moles attempting to work their way into the heart of your secret empire. Before acting in haste, making a decision without researching the candidate's references and credentials, make a gut check and ask yourself whether your intuition agrees with your reason.
  • Not checking out references. Scrutinize the job applicant’s prior employment history, paying special attention to previous employers who are no longer alive and healthy.
  • Scratchy masks.
  • Charm school graduates.

henchmens alphabet

+ Precious and needful

  • Filing system.
  • Recruiting materials.
  • Website with contact form
  • Rubber hoses.
  • Benefits package.
  • Black masks. Those made from a natural fiber blend have the best durability combined with comfort.
  • Leg irons.


Further plotting



Created by: GrinningSkull. Last Modification: Thursday 21 of April, 2011 05:45:52 EDT by GrinningSkull.

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