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How to be an evil consort

****dragon ladyWhen an evil mastermind comes back to the lair after a long day or night of wreaking havoc on the innocent throng, who is there to hear the crows and maniacal laughter at the little victories, and the low mumbling about the perceived or real setbacks? Who is there to numb the vague but real feelings of letdown and to nudge the great one onward to the next grueling chapter of a misspent life? It is the lot of the loyal and lissome consort, the chief jewel of the properly villanous household.

If you're male, 'paramour' is the more traditional moniker. Dude, it's the same damn thing.

Is it possible to keep a platonic arrangement with a consort? As a torture-mistress or monster-keeper? Some say yes, while others are more skeptical.

The life of an evil consort or paramour is often an attractive alternative to a hardscrabble existence as a peasant subsisting on a thin root stew in a rude hut. But be advised that as fortunes rise and fall, even in this glamorous role you may become reacquainted with that poor stew and that rough hovel.

*Evil plotpoints

  1. What is your focus? One who energizes and justifies the operations through one's beauty, charisma, etc.? One who reassures the villain during bouts of self-doubt? One who challenges or tries to put on the brakes when plans go awry?
  2. Find a villain. Look in the usual villainous places for likely prospects, evaluate their ability to deliver the goods.
  3. Eliminating competition, sowing doubt and damage the worth of rivals.
  4. Entice and ensorcel the villain. You may wish to employing the best practices, or come up with your own secret techniques.
  5. Negotiate compensation. A certain quid pro quo is expected for your services. Laying claim to a certain fraction of the baubles which pass your villain's hands is not uncommon (though typically that fraction is not 100%).

! Strokes of genius


  • Remember to keep your dignity. Don't let your villain refer to you as the "ball and chain," or the "dragon queen" (unless you are, in reality, a dragon queen, that is). A gentle reminder that in your role as consort you are the one who is most intimately acquainted with certain details of plots and vulnerabilities, and that your loyalty is worth a considerable amount, and you can either put a stop to this. You a not just a simble community-wrecker, but a person with actual responsibilities. But take care that the presentation does not get you killed.
  • You are a key part of the team, not just one of the other hangers-on. Integrate yourself as fully as you can into your villain's life.
  • Learn. Understand as much as you can about the technical stuff your villain is up to, at least at the practical level. If everyone else is indisposed and you are the only one to activate the evil McGuffin?, it would be best for everyone if you knew what button to push and what lever never to pull. Try especially hard to find out why that lever is such a cause for concern: does it bring down the reactor? does it kill the person touching it? does it knock out the supervillain? Depending on the answer, your choice in extremis might have a chance at being more informed. (But never mention this to anyone.)
  • Working out. Especially if you are the type who might be engaged in combat (as an Amazon, say, or a sorceress). Stay on top of your trade; you may never know when your particular physical talents might be required.
  • Beauty and hygiene. When you frequent smelly dank caves, it is not easy to look fresh and neat when in a grease pit or a sandstorm. But, it is part of the job. For some, such as shapeshifters, this renewal of appearances is second nature, but for most others there is a considerable amount of work to it. Especially if the kind of look you favor is one of the "dewy young thing," one featuring a notoriously short shelf life. For this reason alone, you may want to make the transition to the next logical step, that of the forbidding Ice Queen (King?), a lot easier when it comes to prep time. An ideal way to address this would be if you could convince the villain to provide you with a new body entirely. After all, the trade-up is chiefly for the villain's benefit, not your own, to have something new and comely around, particularly if your current look is one best described as "rugged."

!! Traps for mere fools

  • Golddiggers. Everybody wants your job, in the mistaken notion that it's all indulgence and no sacrifice. From captive slaves to astral spirits, they all think they can hack it.
  • Trying to trade up. Although this is actually the main requirement for your position, don't let the villain catch you at it. In fact, you must sell the line that this is something that you would never, ever consider doing this again.
  • One-dimensionality. Music, reading, small talk may all be vitally important in the right circumstances, and can at least fill up the long stretches of downtime between capers. Invariably the most successful evil consorts are the ones with the most well-rounded resumes.
  • Children. You may find that the care and nurturing of young things is one that you prefer or are willing to take on as a challenge. But it can be rather constraining to have youths around the evil lair, which is doubtless why so many evildoers simply prefer to have them drowned shortly after birth. If you do want to bring the up with your evil lifestyle, start them out from childhood with little abominations. Make them feel that they can in their own way contribute to the evil enterprise in their very own heinous ways. Never forget, however, that you as evil consort have other responsibilities besides playing nanny.
  • Distrust the girls. Enjoy your friends and handmaidens, but never ever let them out of your sight. They are in the best position of setting themselves up as your rivals. Most evil supervillains have no idea of the depth of the second society going on beneath their roofs, as full of intrigue and peril as the main event.
  • Loyalty tests. Some evil masters are devoted to these, saying that it helps them keep a handle on the troops. You may be subjected to one as well, either openly or secretly, a cause of apprehension with few peers. Try to prepare yourself. If you must submit to the test, try not to take it too personally if it is clearly part of your villain's MO, and if you pass, do attempt to make as much of the clean bona fides your ordeal establishes.
  • Who's number two? One big bone of contention in an evil organization is who is the top subordinate to the big boss. If this is left ambiguous, much effort and blood may be spent in sorting things out. If there is a ruling from the top which has you as only third best, console yourself that in some circumstances it is better to be the horse that places than the one sent to the glueworks.
  • Cult of appearance. Guys who don't make passes at girls in glasses won't overlook severed limbs or acid burns.

+ Precious and needful


  • Love potion no. 9.
  • Wardrobe. Tasteful classics and wholesome natural fibers have no place in your thinking here. Tart it up with as much skin as you can get away with and with slinky mind-altering textiles to befuddle the brains of all who look upon you. It's okay if nobody quite knows where your eyes are, really.
  • Scent. If you have contacts among the practitioners of the necromantic arts, find out how much of their fell tradecraft can be distilled into an atomizer, and use the stuff liberally. It's like animals marking their territory; you want everyone walking into that spaceport that you had been there in the last half a day or so.
  • A matching purse. This is not for you to carry money around in, tissues, or subway passes. You need it to keep your compact mirror, your lethal perfume (see above), and any poisons you need to have handy. Try not to confuse those last two, though.
  • Exercise equipment. Especially important for you paramours, who ought to aim for a body fat composition in the single digits. If you are caught out in the field without access to a personal gym, you might possibly improvise something resembling free weights involving bags of loot and assorted ammo clips.


Further plotting



Created by: GrinningSkull. Last Modification: Wednesday 04 of November, 2009 22:20:32 EST by CapellaNovafyre.

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