It's kind of disgusting when you think about it
Blog post [|] by Capella on How to bake cakes of doom
The amount of eating that goes around in an evil lair is sick, I tell you, and it doesn't even organize itself around the normal mealtimes during the day, but kind of occupies the full twenty-four hours when you look closely. Besides the minions on their shifts, there are the guys in the lab, the animals and their handlers, the prisoners, the torturers, various sets of allies and hangers-on, and of course the tourists, all on different schedules and all of them endowed with decent appetites (except for the prisoners, that is). This makes for a lot of activity in the kitchen area, which is only more hectic when we are busy with a caper involving cakes of doom for our adversaries and suchlike, including all the special packing and deploying and I don't know what else needs to go on. Now I'm strictly an interested spectator, occupied as I am with plenty of other bits of activity that don't involve preparing consumables whether wholesome or not, both out of lack of inclination and out of not having the kind of specialization these dainty items apparently require which I judge by the number of warning labels on the cannisters being brought in to the baking area right next to where they're putting together the stuff I am eating. Not too interested in helping in that particular area of testing, thanks, I'm just saying!
All of this meaning mostly that down on the sideboard there is an assortment of baked goods with a certain gloomy aura around them and unwholesome aroma as well that I'm thinking it's best to be steering clear of, and the sooner they're out of here and on their way to wherever and whomever I think the better. Seriously.
Blog post by Capella
The carbs and trans fats are the least of our worries here
As far as modern science can tell, there is not anyone who does not love a nice cake, even when the function they are featured at is one with a theme of mass destruction on the part of the nations. It is an easy matter to adapt a regular cake recipe to a doom cake recipe, fortunately, and even people without a creative bone in their bodies can earn the compliments that all backers live for. The secret of baking is that it is really all chemistry, so you cannot go too crazy with your modifications and expect that things will still work for you, unless you really know what you are doing.
- The nice parts. A cake of doom is supposed to resemble a delightful confection you might find in a normal bakery, as much as possible, so to this end 90% or more of it may be composed of actual delightful elements. This allows for the maximum amount of deflation when its true nature is revealed. Some evildoers who find this degree of sweetness and pleasure distasteful prefer to confine the pleasantness of the cake sheerly in its reputation, leaving open the possibility that the actual physical specimen may be a miserable unpleasant travesty to even a casual glance.
- The doomy parts. The difference between a regular cake you would bake in your kitchen and a cake of doom is that one is baked with love and care, and the other with curses and toxins. Put as much care in selecting the one as you would the other, if you were a normal person. Some of our very favorites are listed below.
- Tease. Part of the preparation for the cake of doom is the buildup of anticipation you create in the recipient, who is led to anticipate free dessert at the end of their struggles but ends up with something much more doom-laden than they bargained for. By delaying the gratification as long as possible you not only cause them to suffer, you also blow the imagined treat into something far beyond any reasonable expectation. Finally, when the true horror of what they are to experience becomes clear to them, there is a third cruel payoff.
- Unleash the horror. As in the case of comedy, mastery in the art of villainy is in the timing. Savor the crestfallen expression on your target's features when they encounter their bitter lot.
Strokes of genius
- Oversell the fantasy. Invest in birthday candles, fondant icing, and enough candy sprinkles to make your creation look almost too perfect. When it comes to desserts, even the most suspicious tend to succumb to what their eyes show them.
- Mind the fine print. Be sure to read the entire list of ingredients well in advance. If the recipe you have chosen requires soil from a crypt, you should allow sufficient time to obtain this and any other materials not found at your grocer's.
- The candied fruit of madness. Fruitcakes of doom are strictly for the most dedicated of supervillains, owing primarily to the difficulties in delivering them in a convincing fashion to the intended victim. This works best around the time of the midwinter holidays when people's suspicions are less likely to be aroused by an implausibly dense loaf made up of garishly clashing colors.
Traps for mere fools
- Visible wiring.
- Unusual sounds. Ticking, sizzling, or moaning is likely to set off a subject's alarm bells.
- Melted ice cream.
- Uneven frosting. It is best to wait until your concoction is completely cool before attempting to slather it with butter icing.
- Transporting long distances.
Precious and needful
- Heavy metals. Avoid bismuth which is excessively soothing to the digestive system.
- Crawling vermin.
- Cursed flatware. Not silverware. You may wish to substitute a samurai sword depending on the occasion.
- Chunks of granite.
- Flaming brandy. Or napalm.
- Black icing. Cephalopod-based frostings are especially appropriate.
- Splinters of glass.
- Rusty needles.
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- Image credit Flaming Christmas Pudding by formalfallacy @ Dublin (Victor)
- Image credit Bad Juju by Henthorn
- Image credit Smashing the Cake with Love! by audioeric
- The Bundt Cake of Barad-Dur.
Created by: . Last Modification: Monday 22 of October, 2012 21:49:15 EDT by .