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Season 4

1. How to bake cakes of doom The carbs and trans fats are the least of our worries here
2. How to upload your consciousness Upgrade yourself and future-proof your diabolic menace
3. How to tell clones apart It's to the point where you just don't want to have to worry sometimes
4. How to deal with holy warriors Oh look, here comes Sir Galahad the second
5. How to weaponize pheromones A delicate whiff of crushing despair hits the spot
6. How to install booby traps Home improvement made extreme
7. How to make unicorn tacos Pass the hippogriff nachos
8. How to become a divine monarch It's eerie the way the eyes gleam out from the shadows
9. How to attract groupies The beautiful people lounging by the pool — of lava
10. How to crack into vaults Going where the good stuff is
11. How to grovel Sucking it up to your toady-master
12. How to pass a rainy afternoon When that tap-tap-tap on an aluminum roof puts you in a killing mood

Season 3

1. How to destroy the thing you created Allow him to show himself out
2. How to loose the dogs of war All dogs go to their appointed posts
3. How to root out an informer Tips on identifying the rat fink in your midst
4. How to burn up the atmosphere Toast the world like a marshmallow
5. How to consume the less fortunate Three square meals worth of oppression
6. How to threaten a comeback Never give a supervillain a halfway fair break or you may regret it
7. How to divert funds to your bank account Why let Ponzi get all the glory?
8. How to be roguish Be the villain people love to hate
9. How to use rats to your advantage The walls have ears - hundreds of ears
10. How to raise a playground bully Every mean kid is a precious gift in the hands of a sociopathic parent
11. How to spread a pestilence I'd like to teach the world to sneeze
12. How to rob a stagecoach The original Stand and Deliver had nothing to do with classrooms
13. How to set off a chain reaction One thing leads to another
14. How to compel someone to love you This finally gets to the heart of the matter
15. How to enslave a djinn Teach that turbaned rascal who's boss
16. How to fix a sporting event One wonders why they bother keeping score sometimes
17. How to pave the Earth Extremism in the defense of smooth running
18. How to battle flying serpents Every time you are near, cobras appear
19. How to make an attractive mummy Knocking them dead in the Valley of Kings
20. How to torment a soul for eternity Keeping a soul on ice for the long haul

Season 2

1. How to deal with depression after losing an empire There are plenty more where that came from
2. How to cook Procyonic reptoids Garnish with blaster
3. How to design battle gear 'Your fighters want to think of themselves as badass, but not literally
4. How to organize a death march Stretching as far as the eye can see, a line of people with hatred for you
5. How to lead a were-army A were-army travels on its furry stomach
6. How to swear a mighty oath Bootstrap your way to immortality
7. How to control dungeon odors When a scented candle will not suffice
8. How to maximize fireball damage Nothing worse than when something you have blown up doesn’t stay blown up
9. How to defeat merfolk in battle Fire the lemon juice cannon!
10. How to blot out the Sun Boom, boom, out goes the light
11. How to manage a virgin supply chain You in the back! No giggling!
12. How to run a hotel A nice touch is to leave your guests something unexpected on the pillow
13. How to generate repulsive force fields Like a buzzy shove in the back
14. How to sharpen a guillotine Getting thee back to snicker-snee
15. How to write a ransom note Leave out the part about being a Nigerian prince
16. How to get the most from a bottomless pit Turns out, a yawning chasm is contagious
17. How to make a universe implode Compactification run amok, courtesy of yourself
18. How to release a kraken Treat your foes to a lavish calamari platter
19. How to steal an ocean liner Briny larceny made simple
20. How to quote from Shakespeare Uneasy lies the head that reads a cue card

Season 1

1. How to craft a backstory Folks like to hear about how you grew up poor but dishonest
2. How to outfit a seventeenth century pirate ship For a life that is nasty, brutish, and short it's hard to beat that of a pirate
3. How to be enrobed in flames In which the fires of hell cluster about you a little bit ahead of schedule
4. How to stage a show trial Objections will all be overruled
5. How to run a virtual world Rule that space between their ears too
6. How to cause a flood Get the creative juices flowing with some wild water
7. How to conduct a manhunt Track down that rascally miscreant efficiently
8. How to get rid of giant eagles There's no reason you have to cede air superiority to overgrown pigeons
9. How to sleep in peace You don't even need to count zombie sheep
10. How to show flying monkeys and win awards Make sure your winged nightmares get the recognition they deserve
11. How to rewrite history Believe me, it is a much better tale when told this way
12. How to maroon a crew in space See ya, suckers
13. How to turn people to stone Petrification has never been as accessible as it is
14. How to give everyone their heart's desire Who's up for a little bit of comfort
15. How to entertain zombies Effortlessly, stylishly mindless
16. How to survive a road trip Don't make me turn this hearse around
17. How to clean a dungeon The best little charnel house in Texas, or wherever
18. How to restore a vintage spaceship Once she warms up, those drives growl like V-twins
19. How to win at dice Baby needs new gravboots
20. How to read minds More fun than the back of the cereal box
21. How to repair a broken portcullis Don't let the spiky thing hit you in the rear when you go
22. How to lead barbarians to their doom Apply your knowledge of social psychology on that horde
23. How to attract giant worms What you do with them afterwards is up to you
24. How to walk away from an explosion Unworried by the danger you stride confidently toward the viewer
25. How to grow a mighty brain You will no longer need to strain and furrow your brow
26. How to switch to open source software Pasty face, pot belly, and nerd glasses are all optional
27. How to buy a used death ray The doomsday device of your dreams is just a phone call away
28. How to build a head collection on a budget You don't need to be made of money, just chock full of evil
29. How to stop time The lucky ones around you are the ones who happened to be caught smiling
30. How to perform an emergency stop on a dragon Whoa there, Smaugette!
31. How to understand warrior maidens Because evil does not live by dudes alone
32. How to summon spirits of the dead Sometimes a rerun is just what you need
33. How to roll with a gang of energy beings When I come back I'm coming straight outta Cygnus
34. How to display a mastery of wine The elixir of gods and the blood of demons brought down on earth, or something
35. How to write a manifesto And furthermore...
36. How to conceal an island Google Maps hates it when you do that
37. How to control earthquake faults It's a combination of demolition and acupuncture
38. How to make a cluestick Striking a blow that matters among the unenlightened
39. How to extinguish all hope Getting them in touch with their inner cogs
40. How to hasten the Singularity Your foes are going to feel so stupid
41. How to betray your master Turn around, I think I see something on your back
42. How to work with vampires When you are tired of choosing the lesser evil
43. How to run an institution of higher learning Be cruel to your school
44. How to escape from shackles Show them you're not their dog to be chained up in the yard
45. How to send dinosaurs rampaging Grawwwr!
46. How to prank your adversaries Would you like a gigahertz doughnut?
47. How to inhabit inanimate objects Any port in a psychic storm
48. How to look frighteningly deranged Could it be Madness this? Yeah, most plausibly
49. How to pillage a city The very best way to find something that would look nice over the sofa
50. How to play the bagpipes For the climax, flames erupt and belch clouds of thick black smoke
51. How to oppress the meek I'd like to spank all the little people who made this possible
52. How to exploit advanced technology This thing here is either the throttle or the flush lever
53. How to run a restaurant I especially recommend the Death by Chocolate
54. How to possess eternal youth Go ahead and hate me because I'm beautiful
55. How to run a police state We have done all the hard thinking already and pass the savings on to you
56. How to issue an ultimatum I'm gonna count to three
57. How to curse an Emperor's ransom Mark my words, you will regret what you have done
58. How to conceal weapons Why yes I *am* happy to see you!
59. How to reign over love slaves Peel me a bushel of grapes
60. How to earn money part-time A little hard work never hurt anybody
61. How to get apes to accept you as their leader Monkeys, however, are a different story
62. How to walk away from defeat It isn't about losing the battle, but about being around to win the war
63. How to move an immovable object He ain't heavy, he's my glacier
64. How to plan a mass grave With a little effort, you can have a boneyard to be proud of.
65. How to worship an evil god Your Mom would be so proud
66. How to tickle Hey, quit it
67. How to control the governments of the world You pull all the strings, and there are a LOT of strings
68. How to grow plants hungry for flesh More like Vast Evil Lair of Horrors
69. How to lie to someone's face With practice you can become the brother-in-law of lies.
70. How to sport fangs Wow them with a winning grin.
71. How to get over a crush The squeeze that suffocates
72. How to break up with someone I would say it's not you, it's me, but that is so cliché.
73. How to cast giant holograms of yourself All hail the mighty Stan, great and terrible!
74. How to make the voices of your victims stop La, la, la, I can't hear you, la, la, la...
75. How to get rid of a corpse Engineering a one hundred percent weight loss solution for somebody.
76. How to avoid perfectionism Don't be too hard on yourself, bucko.
77. How to send secret transmissions Tonight the avid shockcord replays the concurrence of Fiona.
78. How to get started with giant robots Every megalomaniac needs at least one.
79. How to make the world live as one All one! All one! OK!
80. How to serve man It's traditional and part of the culture, so sit down and shut up.
81. How to keep a giant spider What has eight legs and flies?
82. How to recruit and retain henchmen On bootlickers and lackeys and minions.
83. How to deal with invading aliens Gaming the little grey ones and the big red ones.
84. How to rock an evil wardrobe What are you wearing now?
85. How to fly without an airplane Gliding along without motors or wings.
86. How to peddle evil products Kill, maim, and sicken millions while wearing a suit.
87. How to become invulnerable to bullets Pshaw, those little bits of lead matter little to me.
88. How to collect damned souls Ooh, look! Shiny!
89. How to interest young people in evil Think of the children. Yes, you.
90. How to make an evil sabayon What's warm and gooey and comes in a precious little dish?
91. How to defend against magic swords and other weapons Dealing with the talking shanks.
92. How to haunt an evil forest The woods can crawl with your malevolence
93. How to destroy the planet Sometimes you just have to start all over.
94. How to create an evil menagerie Nice animals, nice, nice animals.
95. How to become the richest being in the Solar System Just piling up the wealth, because you can.
96. How to be an evil consort Making it a little less lonely in the high tower.
97. How to breed monsters Go ahead, call them *your little pets*
98. How to set up a lair It's all about the crib.
99. How to clone an army Send in the clones.
100. How to avoid a gruesome demise Choose your own exit.
101. How to come up with brand new evil schemes Brainstorming your way to evil success.
102. How to flee your pursuers The art of the dirty getaway
103. How to deal with heroes and superheroes On overgrown Boy Scouts and putting them in their places
104. How to remember the five rules of good shapeshifting When critterdom is a boon.
105. How to raise a brood of vipers Sssssss!!!
106. How to kill people with a train when you are out of rope Don't let a minor detail derail your evil scheme.

See also

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